[Love Wants Sexual Blessing Series 302]Harmony depends on coordination for perfect and imperfect coexistence

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Transcript: Liang Yingxiu

When the passion of love fades away, life becomes daily necessities, rice, oil and salt, children’s diapers and milk powder, tuition fees for various extracurricular classes, and even returning to whose hometown during the Chinese New Year. Many daily trivial things will test the living habits and values ​​of two people.

But two people who grew up in completely different family environments, each with different personalities and experiences, live together as a husband and wife, how can they build a harmonious relationship together?

(Kuala Lumpur News) Harmony, what exactly is it? In the interpretation of the dictionary, the word “harmony” means coordination, coordination, and appropriateness. The English translation is harmony or balance.

Ups and downs are the process of life

Zhang Yujin, a doctor of psychological counseling, believes that the Chinese explanation is very appropriate, that is, coordination. From a counseling perspective, coordination is a must in maintaining harmonious relationships. So what should couples coordinate to achieve a harmonious relationship?

One mentoring sage, Fritz Perls, said:

“Human life has a rhythm,

It’s like day and night, waking and sleeping.

When we are awake, we create a connection with our surroundings;

When we fall asleep, this connection is broken. “

Here, what Zhang Yujin wants to express is that the relationship between husband and wife also abides by the statement of the senior Fritz, sometimes close, sometimes distant, when there is love to the depths, there is nothing to talk about, and when the mind is exhausted, there is nothing to say. Yes; there are sweet words like affectionate, and there are also disturbing and malicious words.

This series of ups and downs is a process of life, and it is unavoidable in a person’s life. When a couple can accept this reality, will conflicts in life due to differences of opinion become unacceptable?

Therefore, harmony is actually coordinating in the rhythm of life all the time, that is to say, in a harmonious relationship, perfection and imperfection coexist.

She hopes that in the new year, the relationship between husband and wife will be more harmonious, and everyone can happily return to their hometown for the New Year. Apart from mutual love, she hopes that this harmony is based on the fact that husband and wife can be more calm and tolerant in their lives not perfect.

Accept the imperfections in life

Harmony between husband and wife involves accepting the perfection and imperfection in life, but sometimes it is not easy to practice this belief. Why is it not easy? The problem may stem from some couples’ expectations of a harmonious relationship.

She gave an example of a couple’s harmonious relationship. The relationship between couple A is that one party cannot have different views or opinions; the other couple B, their approach is that when they have different opinions, they need to listen to the deep thoughts and feelings of the other party.

Is it easier for couple A or B to maintain a harmonious relationship? The answer is B, because the relationship of couple B allows for the differentiation of two people, and they will not see each other’s ideas as hostile or antagonistic.

The openness of couple B makes their relationship more flexible and positive. In other words, they attach great importance to each other’s feelings.

So how should couples manage their relationship expectations? She suggests there are three steps.

The first step/identify (identify), the way of identification is to identify through conflict or emotional fluctuations.

The second step/examine your expectations, whether it is appropriate or not.

Third step/adjustment.

Learn to recognize each other’s expectations

How to practice these three steps? She gave another example.

There is a couple who have settled in Kuala Lumpur for many years and want to go back to each other’s hometown for the New Year, but the husband’s hometown is on the east coast, while the wife’s hometown is in North Malaysia. Under such circumstances, if the two parties still insist on celebrating New Year’s Eve in their hometowns, would it work? The answer is that it doesn’t work.

Then we can use the above three steps to solve the dilemma of this couple.

First of all, first identify the mutual expectation of the couple, “I hope to spend New Year’s Eve in my hometown.” After identifying the expectation, we will enter the review. Is this expectation appropriate? The result is that this expectation is inappropriate, because the distance between ideal and realistic conditions is too far.

Finally, to make adjustments to unsuitable conditions, the two parties can brainstorm together to discuss some practical and feasible solutions.

To sum up, in order to maintain a harmonious relationship between husband and wife, in addition to accepting the ups and downs, differences of opinions and conflicts in the relationship, it is the key to learn to identify, examine whether your expectations for the relationship are appropriate, and make adjustments.

Give each other space to do what you want

Learn about listening to reduce air pressure

Continuing the topic of “Happy homecoming for the New Year, a more harmonious relationship between husband and wife”, there is one more thing to share with everyone, that is, I hope that in this Year of the Rabbit, there will be a breakthrough in the relationship between husband and wife!

Zhang Yujin used a metaphor to describe the relationship between husband and wife, that is “pressure cooker”!

“During the cooking process, it is very important to master the pressure of the pot to cook a delicious dish with a pressure cooker. In the process of increasing or decreasing the pressure, if you master it well, the food will cook well.”

Zhang Yujin said that in this metaphor, it refers to the harmonious relationship between husband and wife, and increasing the air pressure is like what we experience every day. For example, children at home get sick one after another, which is the situation of increasing the air pressure in the relationship; Some bosses cut wages, which is also a situation of increasing pressure.

Create opportunities to relieve pressure

Sometimes couples don’t respond to each other’s efforts, which can add to the tension in the relationship.

She pointed out that reducing the pressure means that two people sit down, understand and listen, and allow each other to have space and time to do what they want to do and so on. Every couple has very different channels and methods of increasing and releasing pressure. Do you know the way of increasing and releasing pressure between yourself and your spouse?

To master the air pressure in the relationship between husband and wife, first of all, appropriate sensitivity is necessary in a stressful state. With such sensitivity and awareness, you can remind the couple, “It’s time for liberation!”

But the way some people let off steam is by throwing a tantrum, and if your spouse understands that and has that kind of understanding with each other, then that’s fine.

In fact, the best way to decompress is for two people to sit down and have a good chat and listen to each other’s needs, which can also create opportunities to relieve the pressure in the relationship.

Master the gas intake and deflation process

“The point I want to emphasize here is that the tacit understanding to increase and liberate the pressure of the relationship requires the joint efforts and efforts of both parties, and such a consensus cannot be reached overnight, so how to establish such a tacit understanding? “

First of all, it is very important to listen to what is increasing or decreasing the air pressure of each other, and this kind of checking and concern can be done at different times, especially what happens in life is always changing, and the things experienced are different; One thing couples can do is, if one of the spouses feels that he or the other needs to let go, he might as well make an invitation to let the spouse know that you need to let go; or you can create a space for the spouse to let go of his heart. gas.

To put it simply, mastering the air pressure of the sensitive relationship between husband and wife, the process of breathing in and out, is helpful to improve the relationship between husband and wife.

It’s a pity that my husband doesn’t stand by my side

Question: 1. I am from East Malaysia, and it is common for me to disagree with my husband. But if it was a dispute about the child, I would not resist when he took the initiative to touch me; and if it was a misunderstanding caused by friction with my mother-in-law, I felt very wronged that he did not stand by my side.

I’m disgusted when he comes up for sex. Why is this so?

Answer: 1.This question is difficult to answer because it involves a triangle relationship. How did this triangle relationship come about? It is a triangular relationship that we have formed with our parents since we were born, which is also a very primitive relationship.

Many times, in marriage or at work, when dealing with a relationship triangle, we repeat our old childhood behaviors, habits, and stress patterns.

In your original family, you may be ignored or not loved. This kind of message has been firmly printed in the script of your life. Therefore, when you enter marriage, this message will continue to be strengthened. Once you meet a husband who does not stand On your side, you will have a stronger thought to tell you, “No one will take care of you!” Afterwards, the emotions will be more intense and high, so this situation will intensify.

Since I don’t know the conflict between you and your mother-in-law, I can only give you some opinions by describing it literally: How do you feel when you feel that your husband is not on your side? When you face your feelings truthfully, you should find an opportunity to tell your husband that you have such feelings.

You have to understand first, what is the pain inside? If you get the chance, I suggest you talk to a counselor.

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