[Love is for happiness series 377]The person is gone but the emotion is still there. The emotion is not obvious. The ambiguity of sexual grief is nameless pain | Good Doctor

In describing losses that have no ‘clear end’,

For example, ‘the body disappears, but the psychological level exists’,

Like a missing relative, lost in a natural disaster, killed in a war, or a plane that lost contact;

Another type is ‘physical presence, psychological disappearance’.

For example, if a relative has dementia, or suffers from a serious mental illness or addiction problem

Makes you feel that he is there and not there.”

“Physical absence includes the absence of a person, but the emotional connection still exists, such as some cases of leaving without a clear whereabouts, disappearance, escape, immigration, or even divorce; while psychological absence refers to the presence of a person, but his or her emotions are not obvious, such as extramarital affair, busy work, mental illness, stroke, dementia, etc.”

Perhaps, she said, we have experienced more loss than we imagine.

But how do we distinguish between ordinary grief and ambiguous grief? The difference with ordinary grief is that the loved one’s condition is ambiguous, both physically and psychologically, and there is no end or conclusion to it.

She said ambiguous grief is usually caused by external factors rather than personal weakness or defects, and it is not a disease.

Severe cases lead to dysfunction

“Simply put, people who experience ambiguous grief have a vague sense of whether a loved one is present or absent, which can lead to emotional disturbance and, in severe cases, dysfunction.”

After talking about what ambiguous grief is, Zhang Yujin used the example of a spouse suffering from mental illness.

“First of all, I would like to point out that the following sharing is not a true story, but a fictional story. I hope it can explain the ambiguous grief more clearly.”

The story goes like this: Mr. Chen often feels depressed and anxious, and he has difficulty concentrating. He doesn’t know who to talk to about his inner distress, especially after his spouse developed a serious mental illness and seemed to have become a different person.

His wife often suspected that others were talking about him behind her back, and she also often suspected that Mr. Chen was having affairs with other women. These reactions and actions made Mr. Chen feel helpless, because he could no longer be the same as before, and Mr. Chen had tried many methods, but to no avail. He didn’t know when this pain would end? And he was also wondering, is their relationship considered husband and wife? He was also unclear about their marital status?

Judging from the above indicators, Mr. Chen’s situation can be described as ambiguous grief, because his grief is almost unlimited. Although his wife is by his side, she is absent emotionally, so Mr. Chen does not know what his future will be like?

He was not sure how to describe the state of their marriage, because this relationship made him feel troubled, confused and full of questions?

In-depth assessment and recognition of grief is needed

Mr. Chen’s example is a very simple way to let everyone understand what ambiguous grief is. Generally speaking, we usually have to do a lot of assessments and discussions to confirm whether Mr. Chen may be in an ambiguous or complex grief, or even ordinary grief.

She said that when we want to identify grief, we still need some more in-depth assessment to determine what kind of grief he has.

Drinking, gambling, and extramarital affairs

Inducing ambiguous grief

We have talked about what ambiguous grief is, and Mr. Chen’s example is relatively direct.

In addition to illness, there are some situations that can directly cause ambiguous grief, including addictions, such as addiction to things, drug abuse, alcoholism, gambling, ongoing extramarital affairs, and even having children at home who need special care.

Zhang Yujin pointed out that ambiguous grief not only occurs in the absence of a loved one, but may also occur in other people around the caregiver, such as the caregiver’s spouse or children. Especially when the caregiver is very involved in the caregiving role, his spouse or children may also induce a very subtle ambiguous grief, which may be regarded as insignificant or despised.

This kind of hidden sadness, if not recognized or faced, may affect a person’s mental health.

Influence is everywhere

In short, when talking about ambiguous grief, we should not only consider the emotional distress of the person involved, but also be sensitive to the impact on the person involved and the people around him. Simply put, ambiguous grief refers to a person’s grief process being ambiguous, or identity or status being complicated, which causes the grief process to become rigid, thus leading to a person’s dysfunction.

“Dealing with ambiguous grief is challenging because its effects are pervasive and difficult to notice. So what can we do about it? Or what can we learn?”

Practice Grief Accompanying

Professor Pauline Boss wrote an article called “The Myth of Closure”, and the English word “Closure” means “end”. Professor Pauline Boss said that in business, such as negotiating a deal or planning, it is good to have a “closure”, knowing that the deal is over and the case is closed; but in human relationships, “closure” is a very bad word, because the relationship between people cannot end or be closed. “Once you are connected and attached to someone, even if this person disappears, the connection between you will still be there, but it will be transformed into a different form.”

However, because society generally misunderstands the stages of grief, we have many judgments about mourning – we believe that mourning is problematic and needs to be “fixed”, and if you are still grieving after a period of time, then there is something wrong with you and you are weak.

“But grief is not a disease or a problem. Grief does not need to be solved, but requires connection and empathy between people. We all need to practice how to accompany those who have experienced loss, so that we can learn to accommodate existence as well as absence and absence.”

Professor Pauline Boss encourages people to update the state of relationships. For example, when facing a grieving spouse, people can re-examine the relationship and make different adjustments, thus generating new interactions. Accepting suffering is also a part of life, especially since we often see bad things happen to good people.

Stay connected

“More importantly, we all need to practice accompanying our own grief. When grief arises, let ourselves embrace it without judging it or trying to solve it. Just stay with it. Hold on to hope in the midst of difficulties. Instead of placing hope on our loved ones, we can also face life in a different way and with a different attitude.”

Finally, she suggested that people should stay connected and supportive, especially those who are helpful to the person. Their confusion and emotional ups and downs can be recognized, and such companionship is non-critical, which also includes not requiring the person to overcome or defeat the pain. This will bring hope and blessings to friends who are facing ambiguous grief.